Hannah Banana
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: Kent just wants to do his job, but Hannah has other plans. I'll stop messing with this fic, I swear! Chapter 1. Proofread. Minor Changes. I like Cornflakes.


I know. 500th time I posted this. I proofread it, corrected it, and I'm putting it back as a three chapter fic. I don't hate Kent. I just like to torture him. Enjoy

* * *

It's Sunday. 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The pigeons are eating quietly on the pavement. Poor pigeons. They do not know the horror that awaits them. Munch munch munch. Chomp chomp. Choke. Die. One less pigeon in the world. Stupid pigeon. Don't eat so fast next time. 

Little did those poor stupid birdies that eat so fast know that below the surface on which they sat, someone had set a mine. A large pile of bread crumbs had just been strewn by the crinkly-grinning owner of the mine.

"Feed the birds, yes. Eat, little pigeons."

"Coo coo!" Several pigeons cried out. They all flocked together and flew straight up into the air, diving for the pile of bread.

"Yes, YES! EAT!" The voice cackled the pigeons were almost there…

three feet…

two feet…

one foot…

BOOM! The sound of an explosion followed by the shrill laughter of an old woman and exploding pigeons rang through out Etruria's park. "Take THAT you menace of birds! That'll teach ya to wake up Hannah in the middle of the night! Aye, don't like the feelin' of my mines, do ya?" She'd cackle again, then lumber off through the park. "Out of my way! Turn ya into a Toad I will, hehehe."

Hannah was a rather deranged old woman. As a child, she would often leave bags of horse manure on peoples porches and set them on fire, and then laugh from behind the bushes as the owners would come out and stomp on the flaming bags. She had spent much of her life in the basement of her cottage, trying to invent new weapons for battle so she could become rich and sit on her big butt all day. Too bad most of her inventions were temperamental, so she ended up making her living as a fortune teller. She didn't make too much money off of that, either. Most of the predictions she foresaw she altered and scared the crap out of her customers. Of course, Hannah was widowed by now, considering she drove her first husband to the brink of insanity and he jumped out of a window on their wedding night. That was about... back when the dragons still roamed freely. Eliwood and his company discovered her by accident while traversing through Phaerae into Lycia, and she ended up forcing them to take her along.

Hannah had just gotten back to camp when she found Raven sitting in her spot by the camp fire. Not a good thing at all.

"Move, pighead." Hannah grunted. Raven slowly looked up at her, and then just looked back at the fire.

"Move yourself, old hag."

"Hey Raven." Hannah grinned. Raven sneered at her with a look of disgust on his face.

"What..."

"Pull my finger." Hannah grinned even wider. Raven noticed she had green stuff stuck in her teeth and her breath smelled strongly of garlic and cabbage.

"No..."

"Either move, or pull my finger."

"How about go away or go away."

"How about I turn around..." Hannah slowly started to turn around, and then began to bend over. "And I'll-"

"I'LL MOVE!" Raven leaped up and stormed off to his tent. "God she's DISGUSTING!"

"Hehehehe cute little bastard, ain't he?" Hannah cackled to Lyn as she slowly sat down on the log. "Ah, there we go. Ain't nothin like garlic n' cabbage stew to get the ol' galbladder workin, ay Lynny?"

"Um... sure." Lyn shifted uneasily. It was Sacaen custom to be kind to the elderly, but whenever Hannah was around, the Sacaens in the group wondered who the hell came up with that stupid custom.

"Eh heh... well sitting here isn't getting me anywhere." Hannah turned and stood up. "Argh, I can feel the cabbage burnin" She slowly turned around. Lyn couldn't help but back up away from the fire. In seconds the fire seemed to explode like a raging volcano and a horrible smell reeked about the campfire. "AHAHA THERE SHE BLOWS!"

"Hannah..." Lyn held her nose tightly, backing up even farther. "That's... I'm sorry, but it's disgusting."

"Hehehe just wait till you're old and UGLY!" Hannah cackled. "That's when you start finding the REAL men!" The old woman laughed her creepy laugh and hobbled off towards Merlinus' tent. "Real men, indeed. I must find me my man! Where is he I wonder?" Hannah's man? The poor guy! He was hiding from her. He was the happiest man alive the day Hannah originally left. Why, he even cracked a smile for at least .02 seconds!

But now Hannah was back and looking for him, and one can only hide for so long.

* * *

"Where did I go wrong, Sain?" Kent sat with his face buried in his hands. "We had just gotten rid of that profound woman and now she's returned to torture me." Tired fingers pulled apart to match the tired face of Kent. Kent had enough stress to put up with as it is. He had Lady Lyndis to protect. Sain to keep in check. Middle man to play whenever Kate and Eliwood got in a fight over stupid things. Battles! Weapon checks! Training! Now he had to hide from an old hag who wanted him for man than just his looks.

"It must be your striking personality." Sain lay sprawled out on his cot as he flipped through pages of a news pamphlet about Etruria. "Or your tight rear-end."

"SAIN!"

"Sorry! I overheard several of our beautiful companions next door playing truth or dare and it sort of just came up."

"How do you find this stuff?"

"Well I-"

"On second thought, don't answer that." Kent sighed.

"It's your mind in the gutter for that one." Sain shrugged and went back to looking at his booklet. "I heard it from Erk and Lucius."

"How in the world did you hear it from them?"

"They eavesdrop a lot."

"No they don't."

"Yes they do."

"No, they don't." Kent frowned. Sain sighed again, and then finally put down his papers.

"If you're going to insis..hey..." Sain began, but stopped quickly. He squinted a bit as he looked around the tent. "I hear something."

Kent stood up. He had been very cautious, even more than usual lately, ever since the Hag from Hell had returned. Kent swallowed hard. "I've got a bad feeling about this, Sain."

"One of us has to go outside and check it out." Sain suggested, but Kent rapidly shook his head no.

"I'm not going... Hannah will resist you."

"Hannah is a wilted flower! Just looking at her makes me queasy!"

"Well there's only one way to solve this then..."

* * *

"What is taking them so long?" Hannah frowned. She had been waiting outside Kent and Sain's tent for about an hour now, squatting uncomfortably in the bushes. Every now and then Nils would venture over to see what Hannah was doing but everyone else pretty much ignored her.

"Ok, 27 out of 36."

"I just beat you with 9 out of 12!"

"And I beat you the previous time with 6 out of 8!"

"Ok, how about whoever wins this round goes outside?"

"Ok fine... ready?"

"Ready."

The two paladins fists shot out, shook three times, and then opened to reveal some sort of symbol with shaped fingers. Sain grinned, and then looked at Kent.

"Paper covers Rock, Kent! Outside you go!"

"Wait! No way-" Kent tried to protest but Sain had already tossed Kent outside. "Sain..."

"I'll be here in case you need me!" Sain waved from the tent's entrance before he pulled the flaps shut.

"Hm... I need to get him alone..." Hannah looked around. Lucky for her, Farina was walking by on her way to the showers. "Hey! You there! Street whore!"

"EXCUSE ME!" Farina shouted and stormed over to the hag, but Hannah grabbed her and clamped a knobbly, warty hand over the girl's mouth.

"SHH! Listen girly, I'll give ya 10'000 gold if ya can get Sain out of the tent! Do we have a deal?" Farina nodded quickly. "Hehehe good girly!" Hannah let her go and handed back the 10'000 gold she had Nils take from Farina earlier that day. Farina never noticed for some reason. Oh well.

"Whatever it was, it's gone now." Kent turned to go back inside the tent but he heard the rustling again. His hand immediately flew to his side, and his face turned into a slight panic when he realized he left his sword inside. "How stupid of me to do such a forgetful thing..."

"Ohhhhh Sainy!"

"Why now?" Kent whimpered slightly. He didn't have time to keep Sain out of trouble when he couldn't get himself out of his own.

"What bright flower calls for their bee?" Sain kicked over into swooning-mood and wandered out of the tent and towards the voice. Kent was left alone. All alone. In the dark.

Poor Kent.

"Terrific..." Kent frowned and made his way back towards his tent. It seemed awfully far away. "I can't believe I'm loosing my nerve... Keep it together, Kent!" He told himself. Things were starting to look eerie. All alone. In the dark. No where to run except inside the tent where it was now dark because of the stupid wind blowing out the candle. Stupid Candle.

"Hehehehehehe..."

"W-who's there?" Kent jerked around. The trees seemed to be dancing and the wind was making funny noises. "Show yourself, coward!"

"Hehehehehe I have come back for youuuuu..." A shadowy figure emerged from the bushes. Kent could make out a big, black, short, figure and he felt his stomach suddenly plummet.

"Oh...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kent shrieked and made a break for the rest of the camp.

"GET BACK HERE MY PRETTY!" Hannah chased after him with a butterfly net in her hand. "I'LL GET YOU IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Kent leaped towards a tree and scrambled high into the branches.

"NEVER!" Hannah cackled. Kent swallowed hard. He knew the tree wouldn't be able to hold him for long and if he went down, Hannah would get him. Kent had the feeling that if someone didn't do something about Hannah, he was going to be in that tree for a very long time.

* * *

I'm sorry Kent! I still love you! Thanks for reading guys


End file.
